HOW I BECAME A SATANIST
As I go back in time to recount my first steps with Satan and how he brought me to his side, I hope that you, the reader, might find some things that might encourage you on your own journey with him. On that note, I will begin by saying that I became a Satanist when I was 14 years old. That seems like such a long time ago, yet I can remember how I felt and how it all happened. But I must point out that even though I didn't call myself a Satanist until I was 14, and even though I did not understand much about Satan before then, I do know that Satan has been with me since my beginning.
When I was growing up, I always felt that there was a presence with me, but of course I did not know who it was or why they wanted to be with me. In the house I grew up in there was a room upstairs that was only used for storage and I used to play there instead of in my own room, yet I always felt I was not alone and that someone was there watching me. It wasn't a scary presence yet I felt that it was dark. Also, I used to play a game with a friend of mine, where we pretended a ghost lived in the ally beside my house and it sometimes felt as if that ghost wasn't just imaginary, but a real presence. Who said the Master can't play with his children in silly games? Anyway, I was not brought up to believe in any religion until I was nine years old when I began to go to church and then soon after I was baptized Catholic. Yet despite my involvement in the church, I was still interested in reading about the occult and in darker things like horror books. When I was in grade six, which would have made me 11 years old, I had quite an experience during a class trip to a cemetery. There under a tree was a gravestone that had the name SATAN written on it in red spray paint. Everyone freaked out as well as the teacher, but I stood amazed in front of it, the feeling was indescribable. A few years later when I told my friends aunt, who believed she was psychic and a witch in a previous life, said that she felt that it had been a message for me from Satan telling me that he was with me. That wasn't the only time he had done this; the year before this happened I was walking out of the school and I looked up to see this gigantic cloud sailing fast across the dark sky and I felt such immense power in it and I knew there was a presence in the air. This made a great impact on me, even though I was very young.
When I was 13 years old, a friend got me into the heavy metal band Motley Crue and I was drawn to the pentagram on the front cover, though I did not know what it stood for at the time, but I could not get enough of that music that was so different than the music I had grown up with. In May of that year, I made my confirmation in the Catholic church, but as I walked away from the bishop, I got a strong feeling telling me that part of my life was over and I did not go back to church after that day. My mother who was not religious had only gone back to church for my sake, stopped going then as well and I was glad that she did not force me to go even though she did not like my decision. That summer as I searched for more heavy metal bands in music stores I came across album covers where the band members wore pentagrams and inverted crosses and I was fascinated. I didn't buy the albums right then but little did I know that a year later I would be listening to the band non-stop. The band by the way is Venom, and was my first step into black metal. Toward the end of the summer, I had an experience which scared me and my family. I had gotten home a bit later than I should have and because of that my mother began yelling at me non-stop and I remember feeling real bad about it. She kept yelling and yelling and then out of no where, I stood up and out of my mouth came a voice that was not mine that yelled, LEAVE HER ALONE. My mother stopped yelling, I starting crying and screamed that the devil was in me. I had gone upstairs to where my grandmother was and she told me to pray to Jesus and that he would help me. I didn't know why that had happened to me or why I thought it was the devil, but looking back now, I think it must have been a demon who just wanted my mom to stop yelling at me and making me feel bad. This shows that Satan was looking out for me before I came to him.
I entered high school that September and I was the only one who liked metal music and who dressed like a rocker/goth, and even though there had been a few people that I talked to, I was pretty much a loner. At the end of the school year, I was 14 by then, I met a guy who liked the same music and dressed as I did and he introduced me to heavier bands such as Celtic Frost, Destruction, Razor, and of course Venom. The first Venom album I got was Possessed and I couldn't get enough of it. They sang about Satan and although I felt inside that what they were saying was not correct, I loved hearing about him. This guy also showed me his copies of The Satanic Bible and The Satanic Rituals by Anton LaVey and I wanted to get them for myself, but I knew there was no way I could, as I would never be allowed to bring them home as my mother forbade me to have anything occult in the house. I did not know what the books were about, but I was fascinated by anything Satanic at this point and wanted to read anything I could. A few months later I did get the two books but kept them in my school locker and read them whenever I had the chance. Although Anton LaVay did not believe that Satan was a real being, the books were still helpful as there was nothing else out there at the time. There is one particular section at he back of the Satanic Rituals that contains the Al-Jilwah and it was that which gave me strength and encouragement. I had felt Satan was speaking to me through that book and it gave meaning to my life. I knew that he had chosen me and it no longer mattered that I was alone in my beliefs because as long as I had Satan with me, that was all I needed. I was a Satanist.
As time went on I got closer and closer to Satan and he became my everything, my entire life. I began writing poems to and about him, as well as a book that I wish I had kept. He has been my Father, my teacher, my protector, my mentor, and my god and this is only the beginning of how I came to know Satan in this life. The journey is far from over.
Copyright © 2006 Marie RavenSoul
Graphics Courtesy of Walpurgis Hellish Graphics