Childhood/Satan’s First Calls

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Looking back, it is obvious that Satan was calling me from the earliest ages that I have memories of. As a child, everything that I loved had to do with witches and witchcraft. My favorite television shows consisted of The Worst Witch, Sabrina the Teenage Witch, and anything else that had magickal themes to it. I read the entire Wizard of Oz series by L. Frank Baum in one school year (and the librarian made mention that I’m the only person that ever touched those books at all). I also was obsessed with the Salem Witch Trials. I can remember being so into a book I had checked out from the school library as a kid that when my bus had arrived, it took three or four people yelling at me to get my attention. If I had a dollar for every time I tried to jump off of my back porch on a broomstick, I could have paid my way through college.

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My family shoved it all aside as childhood fascinations, but I always thought that it had to be real in some form. Any mentions of that potential reality were met with “that’s the Devil,” per typical Southern Baptist response. As a child, I would always retort with “No, it’s not!” but internally, I just could not understand why being a witch was bad. “It’s in the Bible,” they would say. “But why?” I would wonder. Why would God make something that felt innately natural to me against his laws? I wouldn’t find out until I was fourteen. Through the rest of my pre-teen years, I avoided my curiosities of Satan and witches purely out of fear and Christian guilt. But one childhood trauma too many at 14 years old, finally cemented in my brain that God didn’t care about me, so I decided to be a witch.

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But now what?

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I had zero knowledge of deities, pantheons, magickal practices, or any of the core foundations one needs to start with the path. Luckily, this was a time when in-home internet was becoming mainstream and I was able to use that to do some research, (Amazon was in its infancy and libraries yielded only fiction, so books were scarce). Deep down, I knew that this ‘home’ place I was looking for was dark in nature, but well-ingrained fears kept me from even entertaining the idea of Satanism. So for the next ten years, I danced my way through almost every pantheon there is in search of home, but never found it.

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Santa Muerte

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At the age of twenty-four, I was beginning to give up hope of ever finding ‘home.’ Even though over the past decade I had performed countless spells and rituals, worked with many different deities, and still had a sense of emptiness. Then one evening I was watching a paranormal encounter TV show with my mother, and a man from Tijuana, Mexico came on for his interview. He told his story that ended with him ripping out a wall in his home and finding a shrine to Santa Muerte, Our Most Holy Saint Death. The narco-saint. To the man on TV, She was evil incarnate and the reason that he had suffered with malevolent hauntings. But myself, all I saw was a beautiful and mysterious creature that I just had to google right then and there. Regardless of all the reports of Santa Muerte’s ‘evil’ nature, I only found myself more and more fascinated with Her. Soon after I began working with her, She helped me embrace the darkness and learn not to fear it. All the while, Satan’s calls were getting much stronger and a lot less patient. My inner child was still afraid, but the outward adult was realizing that there was not much good in avoiding Him any longer. So that year, Skeleton Saint in tow, I approached Satan’s altar for the first time, and I haven’t looked back since.

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Life Changes

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Working with Satan and Daemons has easily been the best thing that could have ever happened to me. The lessons I have learned have not been easy ones, but the rewards are always worth the struggle. For example, I was always told that I would have a hard time conceiving a child (if I could at all), and my first official ritual called on Machaloth to help heal my body so that I could have a baby. What I forgot to do was mention that I wanted to do that in one to two years, and seven months later I conceived my son. The pregnancy and delivery were ripe with struggle, but Satan was always there. During my induction (that eventually failed and ended in a c-section), I remember being in so much pain and misery that I telepathically screamed “Satan help me!” I automatically blacked out for the next 17 hours and don’t remember anything until the surgeons filled my room to take me away to the OR. The doctors and nurses marveled at my recovery. I never needed pain medications other than Tylenol and was getting in and out of bed on my own just two days after my operation. I felt no pain at any point, just a tightness if I over-extended. Even after I returned home, there was no real issues that most women report. I owe that miracle all to Satan. He takes care of His faithful, and will always be there in the darkest times, even if He remains unseen.

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Joys/Struggles

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Luckily, my path so far has been more joyful and less struggle. As far as struggles go, my biggest is keeping up a consistent practice. When one commits to Satan, one will find that He does expect, at the very least, some of one’s personal time. Aside from being a new mother whose husband travels for work (so very little help), I also work a forty-hour-a-week job and suffer from depression and anxiety. So, maintaining a balance the last couple of years has been difficult, but Satan and other Daemons have provided me with the tools and people in my life that I’ve needed to make necessary changes/adjustments. However, the joys are well worth the sacrifices I must make. I know that my prayers and rituals are always heard. My family and I never want for anything. My son gets quality medical care for his autism spectrum disorder. And most importantly, I finally have that sense of fulfillment and ‘home’ that I always wanted as a child. I feel seen. I feel loved. I feel appreciated. Satan (and Santa Muerte) provided that for me, and I will be eternally grateful to them both.

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Advice for New Satanists

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Never let any human being tell you what you should or should not be doing regarding your path. Satan is who you answer to, period. Seeking a second opinion from people you trust is fine, but only Satan knows what He has planned for you. His opinion will be the only one that matters in the end, so it should be the one with highest authority in this life.

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Things I’ve Learned

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Although my time as a Satanist is much shorter compared to some others, I feel like I have learned more in the last five years than I have in the other twenty-four. First and foremost, if you hear a call you should answer it. Satan and Daemons do not have time for you to wait around being nervous, or worse, putting them off. So when called, do answer timely and respectfully. Second, never doubt your own capabilities. My faith had waned so badly throughout my late teens and early twenties, that I thought I had lost my natural and obtained gifts forever, but Satan quickly revived them along with many new ones. The Daemonic helps those who help themselves, so having faith in yourself is a paramount quality for those on this path. Last, DON’T BE AFRAID. That doesn’t mean throw caution to the wind and start casting triangles and telling Abbadon what to do. What I mean, is that you need to let go of those preconceived notions that society has placed in your head. Give Satan and his legions a chance to make their own impressions on you and show you who they really are. Once you have established a good relationship with the Daemonic, your life will change forever.