How did I become a Satanist? That's a long story, beginning in childhood. Coming from a past of abuse, including that of a religious nature, I was introduced to 'God' and 'Satan' in the most horrible, corrupt ways. People used names I didn't know or care about and it was basic survival, as pain was done in the name of everything and everyone and I didn't have the choice of Fight or Flight. I was bound to the adults I depended on for basic needs, even if they didn't meet my needs. We were the all-American family on the surface, but only those involved knew what was really going on behind the scenes.
As I grew, I got away. As a teen, I lived on my own in a city I didn't know and around people I didn't understand, but at least I was in control of my own life. I explored the only religion I knew that could save my wretched soul and forgive my sins, but as I looked into it, I saw more and more hypocrisy. There was so many do's and don’ts, and the people preaching all the 'don'ts' were, in reality, the doers. I had enough, and walked out of their holy shrines of debauchery.
Later on, I found Wicca and a goddess principle, and being raised with a man from an Indian reservation, I was drawn to Shamanism. I love nature and all her divine beauty, and it's a love affair that never ended.
Somewhere during my quiet contemplations, a new friend sprang from the shadows to guide me. I was about to take a new spiritual journey and Anubis came to me. I was suddenly drawn to ancient Egypt out of seemingly nowhere, and his wisdom and kindness (powerful and profound), would forever change my life. Those lessons remain between Anubis and me; however, I asked him to take me on a journey through my own personal Underworld.
So began the changes and realizations...
I discovered my soul; an ancient soul-type consisting of Vampirism, Satanism, and Shamanism. Although I never considered 'Satan' an entity, I found myself purchasing The Satanic Bible and taking in every word. Though I found that something was missing, maybe Satan? So, being a seeker, I jumped on the internet and off I went. Another transformation took place as I went from one site to another, joining one group, then another. As soon as I even accepted that Satan may be a real being, guess who showed up? It only took that one moment of opening my mind to the possibility and there he was.
I dedicated early and then sat in silence, wondering about what I had just done and why was it suddenly so quiet? Then two nights later, I sat in my room at my altar shaking my fist and yelling at the new god that had just abandoned me. But then, you guessed it, Satan showed up and told me that I was confronting the religious crap that is all around us every day. I had the fear of 'selling my soul to the devil' and 'hell,' and I hadn’t even realized how much it is put into our brains from birth… until then. That night I made my peace and said goodbye to Christian brainwashing forever.
I realize that Satan, as I call him, goes by many names. Why I chose to keep 'Satan' is because for my whole life I was also the 'adversary' to everything and everyone. The name encompassed the darker aspects of Him, and of me, that I was exploring. For two years now our relationship has grown beyond words; he is the greatest joy, the deepest wisdom, and the fiercest enemy. He is light and dark, love and rage, and unending knowledge, and his guidance is very profound. When I am back in the blackness of myself, he doesn't rescue me or sugar coat my thoughts, but instead he kicks me in my spiritual ass and tells me things I may not want to hear. He has never lied or led me astray, and all of my notes written in tattered journals speak the same wisdom and truths from Him today, as they did in the past. He is consistent, and doesn't tell me one thing one day and something else the next.
This is where my story ends. As I look with love at a ring upon my finger, a promise between him and I, there are no more words. I am still learning and exploring this world and he is by my side forever, as I am by his side. So it shall be for Eternity.